It’s officially can't order ice cream to go, can't sleep under covers, can't answer a phone call on the street at high noon kinda hot.
Wait. Let me drink some water, first.
A bead of sweat tickles my forehead. Only my right arm that’s holding the glass of water is available as my left balances the laptop on my lap. I set the glass of water down on the side table and use my right hand to wipe off the sweat. I forget to pick up the cup again.
I begin my rant:
It’s hotter than my primary school crush.
How hot was she?
I was the class monitor at the time because, in primary school, teachers conflated academic excellence with discipline.
Man, were they wrong!
While distributing the homework papers at the end of the day, I was down to the last one which was supposed to be mine, but this girl, this hot girl (and a couple of other people I didn’t care about) was missing a paper.
You know how on the plane during the safety briefing they always tell you to fix your mask first before helping anyone else?
Without thinking twice, I gave the hot girl the last homework paper. I gave her my homework paper.
She rendered me irrational and a flight risk; That’s how hot Sheila was.
It is, somehow, hotter than Sheila right now.
The steering wheel of my car is so hot to the touch that to drive I pinch it like I pinch the salt I’d sprinkle over the beaten egg I can now fry on my car’s leather seats.
It’s waiting in a line that bleeds outside the tent to get into a concert at 3 pm kinda hot.
I don't drink cold water. In fact, I’m not sure why anyone does. But these days I freeze the water entombed in my water bottle before heading out for errands because by the time I reach my destination, or pause at a red light and reach for the teat of my water bottle like Velma patting the ground for her glasses in Scooby Doo, the water is effervescing like the hot springs in Fort Portal.
Did I mention it’s hot?
I have a favorite pair of bedsheets. High-quality linens, these.
High-quality linens are expensive. If you don’t know this, your age is showing and you should ask your mum if your quota for internet time allows you to continue reading this.
I haven’t quite hit peak adulting yet where the thread count of my bedsheets matches your favorite Instagrammer's following. So we compromised while building our family home and got some exceptional bedding and some meh bedding.
I look forward to exceptional bedding week.
This week is exceptional bedding week and the silky-smooth sheets cover my bed immaculately but I haven't felt the softness of their touch. I haven't tossed around in the bedsheets, wiggling my toes in the corners and discovering new sweet cold spots. Instead, nightly I lay on top of my bed like a rotisserie chicken on display before it’s shoved into an oven like an old cabinet drawer.
I bathe twice a day, but quite frankly, I hate bathing for the most part. I consider bathing and brushing my teeth twice a day torturous acts I'll replace for $11.99 a month when AI figures that one out.
But that’s not the point.
The point is I suffer through a cold shower and by the time my toes relocate my slippers outside the bathroom door, I can feel sweat tickling my untanned parts and oiling my forehead.
And forget about that cool jacket I have hanging in my closet. That jacket is now as useful as a government secretary during the festive season. It’s now the most expensive jacket I own because I must buy a plane ticket to a far-off destination to wear it.
It's 3 pm at a village kwanjula and food hasn't arrived yet kinda hot.
Do we owe climate activists an apology? Or should we accuse them of being vindictive, burn them at the stake, and raise more greenhouse gases as a toast to their demise?
Wait, that'll make it hotter, right? I don’t know. I can't think straight. Let me drink my water which is now basically tea.
It’s raining now. Praise be. The reprieve I’ve prayed for…
…Nope. It was a slight drizzle like #SaltBae was sprinkling water from his perch on a shy Nimbus cloud above.
I hope you use this time to repent and reflect on cooler times.
Have a good week ✌🏾
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